Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.