can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
#Caturday
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.