cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.