“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My teenage children choosing violence
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
This could’ve been an email.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My blood type is coffee.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week