Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
This is Sparta
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit