Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.