Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You Might Also Like
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline