Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Happy birthday to all the women
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Is your wife single?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.