Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
not for long
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If only.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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