Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.