Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.