Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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fired
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
April 1st is the class clown of days.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”