CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon