Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand


Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be


My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.


I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?


Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog


Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.


Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.


My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.