Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.