Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
next question.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.