My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.