@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

You Might Also Like

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@SortaBad

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

@Social_Mime

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@brandynmacd

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@theshantilly

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.