Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
WHY would you be happy about this?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Terribly Tuesday.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.