Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
middle school in the ’90s
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Succinctly put.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you