Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle