“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.