Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Smells like a challenge to me
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know