Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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Finally, a door that understands me
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.