Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
BaD BoY!!
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats