Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
You Might Also Like
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*