Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Many hands make light work
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.