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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
roses are red
i fall when i skate
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius