[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
…u ok Nintendo?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.