Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”