Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.