[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
okay run it by me one more time
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!