(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
What my back needs
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.