[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.