[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.