CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”