@Reverend_Scott

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

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@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

@jakegarv3

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

@handsforkeys

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

@DrRetweetable

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

@DanMentos

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.