[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

You Might Also Like


Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*


My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.


Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam


I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.


Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”


The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online


We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.