[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

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BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]


I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.


Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.


He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.


*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*


[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”


We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”