Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”