car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.