car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…