CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*