(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
That’s incredible! 👌
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Breaking news:
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.