(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
You Might Also Like
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
no regrets
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?