“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
rise and shine we got egg
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My work here is done
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
This January has 47 Mondays
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time