card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
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Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.