Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
You Might Also Like
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.