Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?