Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?