[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
You Might Also Like
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
79.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though