Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed