[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS