@SkippyMcGizzard If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
@YayForJam Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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@SkippyMcGizzard 
@dorsalstream *runs into a burning building to save the fire*
@Try2StopME 99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
@Token_Geezer Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
@notorious_stars Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
@Dad_At_Law Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
@_AmandaLou_ Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
@slimmy_shady The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
@_wangwe *slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
@IMBeanz Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.