@YayForJam

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

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@SkippyMcGizzard

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@Dad_At_Law

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

@_AmandaLou_

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

@slimmy_shady

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

@_wangwe

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

@IMBeanz

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.