Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.


99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.


Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”


Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.


The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?


*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*


Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.