Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
same energy
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.