@simoncholland [Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
@YayForJam Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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@simoncholland 
@KrazykurtKurt When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
@iAmDelFreaky I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
@hythemafia My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
@bridger_w If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
@iwearaonesie me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
@iwearaonesie *power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
@dustinanth Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
@MarfSalvador [Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
@ellle_em Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS