Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Body by Oreos
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
🤣
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.