Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die